In my bubble

my only fear was judgment, but why fear that, because it's inevitable... this is my bubble of struggles, love, life, hope, and dreams...

Monday, June 27, 2011

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

You have nooo idea.

recently, i've been struggling with many things that are hard to admit. but i was finally able to find someone i trusted to comfortably talk to and not feel judged to say so, ...which was surprisingly a guy friend.
No, i don't usually share my struggles with the opposite sex, but this time, i really couldn't find myself talking to someone in the same sex about something like this, i don't know why, but the reactions i receive from just telling my girlfriends about even the event of what im struggling with really withholds me from telling the whole story. Guys have a good thing about not judging and gossiping and all that jazz, not to say that all my gf's do, i def. know the ones i can talk to, but guys are dif. in a surprisingly i was able to share with my friend my struggles but seriously, everything fell into place. Weight off my shoulders, and God also revealed that this struggle i'm having is affecting the burden and will God's placed in my heart to start this new ministry for Him. Thank you God for revealing this to me so that i know the actions i need to talk to flee from Satan and strengthen myself in you.

ontop of all this though, i was very encouraged today as i met up with other Christian dancers that i met today, we had a date and all shared our faith and background, just to get to know each other better.. this is good.. really good, :) ALL IS IN YOUR MIGHTY HANDS GOD, AND IM SO EXCITED. keep us strong in your word, strong in faith and let us dance for your glory, God you are good and this might just bee the first toronto dance ministry EVER :)D WOOOOOO WEEEE

Satans attacking me for sure, and i am weak, but God you are stronger, and i have so many ppl praying for me and this ministry that will arise very soon! Thank you for that, and keep me in your will Lord. I can't turn around, help me. <3

Monday, June 20, 2011

Thank you for family

i realized i sounded like a depressed and emo person in all my posts last week, i was miserable, but it's a new week, and im not a miserable person, lol, im a happy cheerful one to be honest, but even the happiest ppl have their weakest times..

yesterday was a new day and a new week to be a better me..
I was so emotionally week last week, every little thing i over thought it and hence i easily broke down, I know that the fact that i didnt want to be home, because everything seemed like an attack on me was all me. I know it was my fault for not being patient enough and loving enough to my family, i wasn't thinking right, at all...i knew my family just loved me, and truthfully, the things they say or point out are for the better for me, to improve myself, and be better and see my wrongs. noone else can do that for me, and so i love them for doing so, hence, ystday after church and dimsum it was a good chat in the car ride home where i shed tears but apologized and opened my ears to their suggestions on ways i can just listen more and be more sensitive to each of them. :)
I thnank God for giving me ears to listen so i can
improve my character. I don't want family to be a place where i dont want to be. I need my family, you gave them to me for a reason, and family is family! We will forever be tight, together and a priority to each other.
God help me to watch out for the things i say and do, and continue to listen to the things that my family has taught me, and not let the world and ppl around me change that about me. This is who you made me to be, and so let me be the best i can be for you, <3 love and care :)

Thursday, June 16, 2011

dun think ive gone a day without crying since saturday... i've been made soo emotionally vulnerable to everything and everyone this week its so sad... praypraypray..

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Those day's you swear you could explode in everyway. let me scream, let me cry, let me get out of this. give me the patience, the willingness to be bigger than this. to be bigger than her. I dont have to be, because You're gonna take care of it all, so just help me grow from ppl like this. Help me still love. how? i don't know. help
I'm never gonna be like you, can anyone be less insensitive and unwilling to help, can anyone be so conceited?
you're old, yet so young.
im thoroughly disgusted.
I'm never gonna be like you.
I dont' know how you did it Jesus, but teach me to keep loving ppl like this, i dont want to but i know i need to. You made me better than this, than to just stop loving, you made me to keep loving. be in me God. and show ppl what you can do. show me,
Post devotion

Romans 12

A Living Sacrifice
1 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”[d] says the Lord. 20 On the contrary:

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”[e]

21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

God thank you for this time of quietness.. though i've had little progress in my work, this was more important, thank you,

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

God Reveal yourself to me,

pray, because you need to talk to God, its not even an option, its like air to the lungs.

you learn so much through the bad things that pile up in your life. the worries and responsibilities only increase, look on the bright side :) show the world you've got GOD. and that you wont let things in life get you down... i refuse to let it bring me down. I have too much i need to do for Christ. He alone gives me strength. No human being, i know that not even my future husband can be there for me like everytime i need it, Gods the only one. the only one. Stop running away, turn around and seek Him.

i'm falling,

Starfield- Rediscover You

I need to just admit

my faith is paper thin
I'm feeling so burned out
On religion

I say an empty prayer
I sing a tired song
I need to just admit that the passion's gone

And I want to get it back

You told me
Look for You and I will find
So I'm here
Like I'm searching for the first time
Revive me, Jesus
Make this cold heart start to move
Help me rediscover You

I want to learn to pray
The way that David prayed
I want my soul to burn when I hear Your name
I want to feel like new
I want to hunger for you
Bring me back to life like only You can do
Cause I don't want to stay the same

You told me
Look for You and I will find
So I'm here
Like I'm searching for the first time
Revive me, Jesus
Make this cold heart start to move
Help me rediscover You

Lord, I want to be Yours today
I want to know the passion of the saints
And how they were changed

You told me
Look for You and I will find
So I'm here
Like I'm searching for the first time
Revive me, Jesus
Make this cold heart start to move

I want to burn for You
Bring me back to life, Jesus
Help me rediscover You

Monday, June 13, 2011

back pains, abdominal pains, (pms) my panda eyes are as dark as EVER. (that means dark if i can tell the difference from normal days when ppl tell me my eyes are dark and i say " its normal" now.. this isnt normal) my nights are sleepless, i'm consuming the world, low on iron, tired, i dun even feel like im sleeping...when im "sleeping" .... restless nights, exams soon, i need my energy. what week- comp fully broke, using my bro's who can't understand what im going through, loosing a friend, needing a job ( i dun even want one right now though), iduno why but my head spins sometimes, the family who's in such turmoil about everything from the wedding that's coming up to each person's personal pride against each other.. again, the impatience and everything, my eyebrows are fully frowned in whatever im doing, i sound miserable, hard to study, but i have to...

in essence, stating all these things out really only make things worse, but i've already done it, i need to be happier about everything.. and i needa let go of somethings and put myself back together.. find the light and remind myself who i am!!! .. who God wants me to bee!!!
on another note this isnt good... its a little dangerous as much as i want things to be good. watch out and dwell in God. you only need him.
and another note..... happy things are a bit better than before, though im pretty sure i like it how it is and i don't want to go back to how things were ..

be content.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

its harder than i thought.. can anybody hear her... i feel so alone and isolated .. today will not be a day to study.. i just want to sleep right now .... to the bed i go ~
on this low low day, i was reminded to rejoice, but also to mourn!... for Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted <3..on this saturday, i was able to have a few caring friends ask me how i was and surprisingly the two were nonchristians and one was a brother in Christ..
I know i have many friends.. but why is it, that when things get tough like this... and you can break any second of the day.. only one nonchristian freind can consistently remind you and ask you if you're ok, and tell you that if you need anyhting, they will be there... i have the friends that encourage once in a while. but noone understands that while this is happening... you can break any second, you really want someone there by yourside not be there only for that one time wishing you are ok. but reallly asking you are you ok ?.. and asking you and reminding you that they are there.. consistently.... im not blaming anyone, but really its hard to believe thats all.. it made me realized like.. who really is there. who really cares. and mostly who doesn't... are ppl just scared to ask you how you are? ...
usually i have so much feed back from random things i post but when something serious pop's up. noone dares to come near you..
harsh but,
i just wanted to tell it how it is, wishing that this body of Christ will strengthen and wake up. ~speaking to myself too, good lessons to learn ~
wow.... life has seemed so much harder coming back home.. not only has there been alot of responsibilities put upon me again, theres alot of impatience in the family. alot of criticism, alot of things hard to hear... its not the same coming back.. im not as excited. infact i just want to stay in london if i could...

families tough, but in the end i still love them..

ontop of that there are many things ot think about,.. on a stormy, rainy day like this, its hard to think of the good for real. but ill keep my hopes high,,
the top post was posted earlier today.. when it was storming hard ... one of the things i was "thinking about" was my friend in the Hospital... He passed away this morning... when it was terrifyingly raining and thundering... and electricity went off and everything.... now its late afternoon.. and the sun is shining as bright as ever.. God you're amazing, I pray that on this beautiful day you will shine your love and comfort on his parents, family and relatives..

God you are good, and there's alot of light to see in this ... but right now i wont lie... it's really hard to study for my exam that's in a week...
God I love you, take care of them and may we be a source of comfort at his funeral in a couple of days,,


Friday, June 10, 2011

God, please heal matt loo .. pleaseee
Lord, as Billie and I went to visit him today,... we met his mom,
as she spoke to Matt saying the exact words " Hey Matt, look who's here to see you, it's Billie and Angie !"... with those words, he reacted with heavy breathing... we know he knew we were there to see him! it was as if his heart was beating with excitement to see us ... it was very cute...

As billie and i visited him, we prayed for him and held his very inflated swollen hand .... Billie was the first to cry and I wanted to hold it in til i left but seeing her tears made it really hard... As we prayed for him, we prayed that angels will take care of him, that more and more prayers will go out to him and his family... we wrapped up and i glanced to the corner of my eye seeing his mother crying with us...i cannot imagine how many times a day she sheds a tear for her eldest son ... seeing so many other ppl visit him, care for him and pray for him and cry.. as a mother she would probaly cry with every group that visited him like she did when we cried..

Ive never in my life time experienced seeing a friend unconsciously lying on a hospital bed... with arms inflated, head inflated, needles plugged in, with IV, bruised arm from the needles i suppose, respiratory tubes in the nose ... scars from his surgery that caused these complications...

I know he will be ok, stay strong Matty! we are all praying for you!
wow im having the most amazing conversation ever with a new friend i made... God is amazing!!!!!! RWARAWR

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Remind yourself who you are and what you stand for. take nothing less and respect yourself. stand firm. don't be shaken so easily. do what you need to do, but above all, put love in all of it for love is where Christ is, and you need it.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

why are the tears back, the pain, the everything. this isn't good..

Sunday, June 5, 2011

lets just say, couldnt have had a better sat. night.... I know my freinds, my dance freinds from woof. They're the sweetest group you can ever meet,... tonight we went out to DANCE. we kept walking from place to place and ended up in 29. met knew ppl made memories with old ppl, fun times, though i wish i couldve put on a smile more than have my mind occupied with other things...

I know my limits and I really want to love them, they're my family and really ive seen the atmosphere and their culture being so tight knit and affectionate its great that they respect that i dont drink, but i'd go dance with them anyday. :T they're a great group of comfortable being with them, even with their affection <3

first time for everything.